I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
