Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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