I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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