Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
