shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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