he puts the penis in happiness.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
