My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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