We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
