bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
