i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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