i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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