I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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