Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
