You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
