Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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