Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
