...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
