The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize