You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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