wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
