It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
