So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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