Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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