mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
