Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize