it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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