Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
