can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We're too hungover to prance.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize