Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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