While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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