Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
