All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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