my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
