As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize