just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
