K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
