He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
