I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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