Will you blow on my dice?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
