Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
