drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
