My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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