he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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