Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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