a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
