apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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