My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
