I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
