Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
