if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
