i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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