Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We have started to decorate penises.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
