I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
