I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
