I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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