I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
