I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
