My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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