when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
