why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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